INFATUATION.

I’m out I should be having an amazing night

But now I’m just confused. Argh

What is this.
I hate being uncertain.

50/50 really at this point

letting go right now

you have too much over my feelings. 

change is good.

I apologise for the needy, depressing state of my blog lately

but I need to vent a bit, and this way it goes by without burdening other people.

If you want to talk, you’ll talk

if you miss this you’ll acknowledge that

I cant push my one sided feelings. fuck.

If you dont, i need to just

get past this. and leave you alone.

My head hurts, and my heart hurts.

There’s too much to do, and too much on my mind.


Too much uncertainty, so much emptiness.

argh.

I just miss talking to you

i want to talk to you about my day
even if theres not much to say

i just

cant even say hi

I miss you I love you.
I’m never going to forgive myself or find any aspect of myself okay.
I want to talk to you about my family. I would only want to talk to you about it even if you don’t know that I’m only telling you about this part of my family.

i didnt know rapid fluid loss could cause a black out

apparantly ive cried past my body’s ability to cope.

i dont know how im still crying, my body is exhausted.

you are home. you are just happiness and just everything right.

unless what you want is me out of your life completely, so theres nothing in any sense 

I’m always going to be there. 

not going to lose you completely unless thats what you want.

because I’m never going to want that. no matter what. 

I love you so much,I miss you so much.

I just dont know

how anything is going to be okay

the idea of never being in your arms

jesus. 

I want us.

but its so low of me to want that.

this post is going to get so long

god. i am actually just a horrible person.

just in all senses of the word. horrible. cruel. and just. fucked.

• i dislike myself so much right now.
• i cant forgive myself
• I’ve betrayed everything. myself and the person i love, my sense of self and my trustworthiness.
• i cant. just. i what.
• im never going to be okay with any of this.
• i cant function,i cant stop crying, i dont know how to stop.i cant.

• at the very least i need to give you space. this kills.so much.
• i hate myself. i love you. what the fuck is wrong with me.
• 4 hours later, still crying. and i dont know how to stop and its making me faint. i need something
• its taking everything not to call or text, but i dont even have anything to say. i just.fuck.
• ive always always been self destructive as a defense mechanism. but never to this extent.
• its just. unforgivable.
• i am so pathetic.my thoughts are so pathetic i cant even express them here. to anyone.
• such a sad excuse for a person. meant to be good,kind,trustworthy. never been close but now im farther away than ever before.
• lol at mum asking if my eyes are swollen because of some sort of allergic reaction.
• why do you have to be such an amazing person right now. hate me.cut me out. i deserve so much worse. 
• i know how i used to feel about this situation, and i also know that somewhere down the line that changed, was not so definite. and that scared/scares me so much. 
• fuck me. fuck my feelings. i cannot deal.
• why

• i love you i love you so much. i love you. fuck.
• should have stopped it before it got here.but too weak to do that because i care so much about you. damnit. why.
• always been the first and last  thing on my mind, and now that just hurts because i can barely imagine how i made you feel.
• who the hell does this to another person. its not okay.
• i missed you so much even when i had a you, didnt think i could you miss you more, and now that i don’t have a you its so so much more.
• i cant stand the idea of never being in your arms again. i cant.
• why are you even talking to me. im so happy you are but so goddamn sad too because i do not deserve it. fuck.

• i miss everything
• not even been long, and i already feel this chunk missing.
• i feel like i need to punish myself. and i dont know how.
• knowing you want me out of your life completely, hurts more than anything. but maybe thats the actual best thing i deserve. because that kills. this is what i should feel, nothing else could hurt more.

sammyboyking:

ah yes its june i successfully wasted 5 months of the year again